FLR and Law: Exploring the limits of consent [guest post]

Recently, the magnificent Goddess, Mistress Kym, ordered me to write an article about Female Led Relationships and the law. As a lawyer and a devoted slave, I was honored to do this. This subject, FLR and Law, is important on so many levels and a sound understanding can avoid a lot of issues, as well as help You to achieve a beautiful FLR.

To begin with, I have to say that laws vary greatly from one jurisdiction to the next, so this is NOT one size fits all legal advice. Please be sure to inform Yourself of Your local laws and regulations.

The subject of law, consent, and legal limits come up often in BDSM. How far can I punish this slave? How much pain can I make him take? Where is the limit between a good solid caning and physical assault? These types of questions usually come up in sessions, often with new subs, but they can also arise in an established FLR as well. As the relationship grows and evolves, and as You explore new grounds, the question of limits keeps coming up. And this is healthy.

Yes, You both love doing Golden on his body, but what about on his face, or in his mouth. These limits of course need to be discussed as the relationship grows and as You explore new levels of devotion and servitude.

But what about FLR and law?

Well. The law varies from place to place, and it is still a crazy quilt of local rules and regulations. But a few concepts remain the same. The most important concept of course is mutual consent.

The general rule about consent is that we are seeking “informed consent”. This is the key. The Mistress should ask Herself “does my slave really understand what I am about to do to him?”. Or, “Does My slave understand what ballbusting is, that crops leave red welts, that Golden means he will get peed-on on his face?”.

The Mistress must be aware that the slave needs to understand the implications of these acts and not just blindly agree to them.

This understanding is what constitutes informed consent, and it can save the Mistress from many headaches. If the slave understands what he is getting himself into, and he freely agrees to it, then You are on the path to a safe and enjoyable relationship.

However, in spite of having informed consent, You still have a legal “duty of care”. This is built into the fact that the Mistress is in command. She is ultimately responsible for Her actions. Duty of care means that You need to ensure that You do not cause any permanent damage to Your slave.

Breaking someone’s fingers or putting them in the hospital is always illegal, even if they begged You for it. A slave might say it is okay to break his fingers, and may even sign a contract to that effect, but in fact, it is not. Read more about the “Dos and don’ts in BDSM“.

As a general rule, we need to avoid permanent damage, permanent scars, and anything that is not sane or safe. Most of the BDSM experience happens in the mind and that is where it should remain.

Very often a Mistress will make Her slave fill out a questionnaire and a slave contract. This is a great idea. It is invaluable since it reviews and outlines the different roles, responsibilities, and limits. At the minimum, it helps ensure that You covered all the bases. However.

As good as it is and as much protection as it provides, a contract is not the final word. FLR and law are not based on that, only. The law gives every person certain basic legal rights. These rights can NOT be signed away regardless of mutual consent.

Most of the provisions in a slave contract, regardless of the intent, can not be enforced in a Court of law. You can not expect a Judge to force Your sub to do anything other than pay for services rendered. No Judge will ever force him to perform acts of servitude or give up his basic freedoms.

FLR and law: the contract

The slave contract serves as more of a guideline or blueprint for the relationship. It is very important as it outlines what You demand and expect from him. How he must address You. What his schedule and duties will be and so forth. Just don’t expect a Judge to order him to clean Your toilets for You.

Again. Know Your sub’s limits and grow them steadily one step at a time. Going too far beyond his limits is never a good idea as it puts unnecessary stress on the relationship.

The best use of the slave contract is as a guideline rather than as a legally enforceable document.

Here I need to mention “severability”. This means that even if certain parts of the contract are enforceable other parts may not be. Your agreement to share the bank account may be legal but the part about wearing a chastity device 24.7 is not legally enforceable.

Having a questionnaire and slave contract is an excellent way to keep track of Your slave’s hard and soft limits, and even set a path for expanding them. Just be aware of their limited enforceability in Court.

As a seasoned slave, I know many Dommes who use them, and they are well worth the effort, even if only to keep the relationship rules clear.

There is not only FLR and law, but also BDSM and law. In fact, people often ask if BDSM is legal in the first place. The answer is mostly yes. BDSM is a private and consensual act, willingly and freely performed by two adults.

Generally, as long as no sexual acts are being performed for money and there are no other laws being broken there is nothing inherently illegal about it. But again, each jurisdiction has its own laws, so You still need to check locally.

Most FLRs are long-term and committed relationships. Usually, the couple is very close. Often they may be married or live together. They may share a house or bank account. As the Mistress, You will want to have control over that.

You can find some ideas here.

Mistress’ responsibility

Being in command of the purse strings is part of Your power as the Mistress. The Mistress should have signing authority over the bank accounts, investment accounts, safe deposit boxes, and of course the house.

The slave can transfer signing authority to his Mistress in several ways. One way is by adding Her signature to the accounts so that all checks need to be approved by Her, or even making Her the sole signatory. Another path is by transferring ownership of the assets to Her outright. After all, if She truly owns Her slave, and he is giving over his life and his existence to Her this is a natural part of the relationship. Naturally, this will happen step-by-step as the FLR evolves and deepens.

Another idea is to marry Your slave. This may occur naturally in a committed FLR. It need not be a traditional marriage with kids and PTA meetings, but marriage conveys certain legal rights. Maybe Your slave will be kept in 24.7 chastity and be a “husband” in name only. Either way, marriage confers certain legal rights, especially in a community property state.

In most cases, community property States protect the spouse by conveying 50% ownership of community property in the event of divorce. It also conveys the automatic right of inheritance to at least 50% of these assets in the event of death.

If You are in a committed long-term FLR getting married to Your slave might be a good idea, especially if Your slave has more assets than You do. Of course, if he already transferred these assets to You, this would not apply.

The important thing here is to be clear about the rules, budget, and what rights Mistress allows Her slave to have. Mistress is always the Boss, and She decides what is right for Her slave.

Many Mistresses who are in a committed FLR take title to all the assets, and then give their slaves a weekly allowance and a set schedule. Mistress knows what’s best for Her slave and Her slave is more than happy to obey Her. As it should be.

A Female Led Relationship is the golden dream of many slaves and Mistresses. Being at Her total service. Devoting yourself to Her. Serving Her. Obeying Her. Being a total slave to Her wishes and desires. What could be more fulfilling for a Mistress and a true slave?

This is the golden dream we all live for

It can be done. And it can be done properly. The key is honest and open communication and establishing the ground rules.

The best rule of thumb is ‘KYs’. Know Your slave. No amount of contracts will ever replace having a sound understanding of Your slave’s true limits.

You start slowly. Try new things and see how they go, then build up from there one step at a time.

Your partner might start by giving You the occasional foot massage, and gradually become Your sub, go into chastity, and eventually turn into Your full-time, live-in, collared slave.

All this can happen and it would be beautiful. The key is that both Mistress and slave need to be on the same page, and evolve together.

The legal definition of a contract (and this is valid for FLR and law, too) is “a meeting of the minds”. And this in fact also defines any good relationship.

Safe. Sane. Consensual.

It is not only a slogan, it is also Your guide to building a happy, healthy, and legally sound Female Led Relationship. One that will work for both of You, and last a lifetime.

Find here an example of FLR contract!

Thanks to Footstool Steven for this post.

– Mistress Kym